Phoebe Buffay had Regina Phalange. Lorelai Gilmore had Squeegy Beckinheim. Clark Kent had...oh, something I can't seem to remember right now. Jennifer Garner liked 'em so much she had a whole collection of them. No, I'm not talking about favorite facialists. I'm talking aliases, people!
And I have a new one. A new alias, a Super Secret Fake Name. (It's not really a secret at all, but I like the sound of that whole phrase together.) And I am quite pleased with it.
I've had others. Last year I gave gangster names to the whole family. LoML was SweetieBoy Smithers. The Girl was Dollface Malone. I can't remember The Kid's name because he didn't really use it, but I did call him 'Keith' a lot. I was and am CrazyLegs McGee. But times change and identities must be altered to protect the...well, me. And it is with this in mind that I get to share with you my newest Super Secret Fake Name!
I'd like to say it came to me in a dream. Or maybe a mysteriously accurate tea leaf reading. But that would be a lie. Here's how it happened: LoML and I were watching Fox News the other night. Don't judge; we watch it for a laugh! But there was a short segment that featured a girl named--no joke--Vanesha Cashdollar. She was talking about volunteer opportunities abroad, but I wasn't listening. I had stars in my eyes as I marvelled at the wonder of her name. Vanesha. Cashdollar. I don't know what she did in a former life to deserve a name like that, but as far as I was concerned, she'd struck gold. Or cash. Or dollars.
I'd like to be clear: I'm not trying to offend anybody. Vanesha, if you or any member of the Cashdollar family are reading this, please don't be mad at me. I just can't help it. I LOVE your name! And please remember, as I appropriate it for my own use, that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. So I'm swagger jackin'.
Don't worry, I'm giving it my own spin. Sort of. I figure a girl named Vanesha must have an interesting life story. So MY Vanesha is a young widow. She came from humble beginnings, but met the man of her dreams at Princeton where she studied Interpretive Dance with a minor in Women's Studies. She married up, but her husband died in a tragic water-skiing accident two years later. She is, of course, a Thoroughly Modern Women, so she hyphenated when she married.
Vanesha Louise Moneypenny-Cashdollar.
I suspect her next marriage will be to one Buck Goldengoose. Or Bill Franklinclams. Benjamin Quidworth? Oh, the possibilities!