Friday 26 August 2011

A Rosa Rubignosa by Any Other Appellation


Phoebe Buffay had Regina Phalange.  Lorelai Gilmore had Squeegy Beckinheim.  Clark Kent had...oh, something I can't seem to remember right now.  Jennifer Garner liked 'em so much she had a whole collection of them.  No, I'm not talking about favorite facialists. I'm talking aliases, people!


And I have a new one.  A new alias, a Super Secret Fake Name.  (It's not really a secret at all, but I like the sound of that whole phrase together.)  And I am quite pleased with it.

I've had others.  Last year I gave gangster names to the whole family.  LoML was SweetieBoy Smithers.  The Girl was Dollface Malone.  I can't remember The Kid's name because he didn't really use it, but I did call him 'Keith' a lot.  I was and am CrazyLegs McGee.  But times change and identities must be altered to protect the...well, me.  And it is with this in mind that I get to share with you my newest Super Secret Fake Name! 

I'd like to say it came to me in a dream.  Or maybe a mysteriously accurate tea leaf reading.  But that would be a lie.  Here's how it happened:  LoML and I were watching Fox News the other night.  Don't judge;  we watch it for a laugh!  But there was a short segment that featured a girl named--no joke--Vanesha Cashdollar.  She was talking about volunteer opportunities abroad, but I wasn't listening.  I had stars in my eyes as I marvelled at the wonder of her name.  Vanesha.  Cashdollar.  I don't know what she did in a former life to deserve a name like that, but as far as I was concerned, she'd struck gold.  Or cash.  Or dollars.

I'd like to be clear:  I'm not trying to offend anybody.  Vanesha, if you or any member of the Cashdollar family are reading this, please don't be mad at me.  I just can't help it.  I LOVE your name!  And please remember, as I appropriate it for my own use, that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.  So I'm swagger jackin'.

Don't worry, I'm giving it my own spin.  Sort of.  I figure a girl named Vanesha must have an interesting life story.  So MY Vanesha is a young widow.  She came from humble beginnings, but met the man of her dreams at Princeton where she studied Interpretive Dance with a minor in Women's Studies. She married up, but her husband died in a tragic water-skiing accident two years later.  She is, of course, a Thoroughly Modern Women, so she hyphenated when she married. 

She is...

Vanesha Louise Moneypenny-Cashdollar.

I suspect her next marriage will be to one Buck Goldengoose.  Or Bill Franklinclams.  Benjamin Quidworth?  Oh, the possibilities!


Darlene said...

I like the name. I think she should marry Buck Goldengoose.

SocialStudiesSoubrette said...

Thanks for the smile Ms. Cashdollar ;D

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